Decisions

“Everything I do, did, was a decision. 

And you make that decision knowing full well people could die. And I did it every day like it was as simple as putting my boots on.

I left this morning and checked the front door ten times because I didn’t know if it was locked. Then I got to the front gate and checked my pockets, and I didn’t even have the key. So I climbed back in a window to find them, and jumped out it again so I didn’t have to check the door ten times more.

And then I laughed at myself, because it could happen to anyone. 

And then I vomited in the front garden because I am so scared that that is who I will be forever. 

I hate being home. But I have to stand on the inside of the front door with my eyes closed and breathe into an imaginary paper bag before I go anywhere.